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Do you feel as though you are living on an emotional roller coaster, one minute high and the next minute dropping at speed to the lowest point?  Are you wondering how your fairy tale relationship has gone so horribly wrong?  Your mind is so tangled up in a mesh of emotions and feelings that you have no idea how to begin to unravel it all.  This person who once idolised you, now belittles and devalues you, putting you down at every opportunity.  You constantly feel guilty, even though you have done nothing wrong.

If this sounds familiar, it may be that you are living with someone with a narcissist personality.

How your relationship may have progressed:

To begin with your relationship may have seemed perfect.  Everyone may have said you were the perfect couple, how charming and charismatic your partner was.  He adored you, couldn’t do enough for you, possibly showered you with gifts.  But slowly, somewhere along the line, once he had secured your love, things started to change, he started to change, but by this point you are in too deep, confused and unable to understand what has happened.

(To keep things simple I have used the term ‘he’ for the person exhibiting these traits.  However, it can also be in relation to the woman in heterosexual relationships as well as same sex, gay / lesbian relationships.)

Some of the things you may be saying to yourself are:

• I feel as though I am living with two different people.
• It must be me, there must be something wrong with me.
• Why does he say cruel, hurtful things to me and then an hour or so later act as though nothing is wrong?
• My head feels so messed up.
• What mood will he be in today?  I can’t cope with this anxiety, I feel so on edge.
• I feel intimidated by him.
• Everything is my fault, I can’t do anything right.
• Why does he never ask about me, it’s all about him.
• I feel sorry for him, he can’t help it / he doesn’t mean it.
• Why is he ignoring my calls / texts?
• He needs me.
• Maybe he’ll change.
• I feel so stupid.

The above is just a short list of some of the thoughts and feelings you may be experiencing.

Intimidation and fear are not always present with this type of behaviour.  Some types may be more subtle.  Quietly manipulative, insulting, playing mind games.  He may swing from being loving one minute, being the most caring, loving partner, to being cruel and abusive the next.  This is what feeds your anxiety, your stomach constantly churning, walking on egg shells because you can’t figure out if he means it or not.  You constantly question….’Is it me?’……..‘Is there something I have done?’  ‘I just can’t seem to make him happy!’

It is important to know that it is NOT you!  This is exactly what your partner is wanting you to believe.  If you attempt to challenge your partner you will no doubt be faced with even stronger, abusive behaviour.  This is because underneath the arrogant, confident exterior lies a fragile ego that requires constant validation and attention.  They will not let anything or anyone rattle the pedestal they have put themselves on as to do so would highlight their weakness.  It will always be about him.  They are incapable of empathy, or reciprocating love.  Despite the initial act of being overly caring and compassionate sooner or later the mask drops and is replaced by a wolf in sheep’s clothing!

Research shows us that narcissism is on the rise.  I am seeing more and more people in relationships with men who exhibit narcissistic personality traits.  It is a sad fact, but important to understand that if you are involved in such a relationship it is highly unlikely that your partner will ever change.

If you feel scared, you just can’t think straight any more, just don’t know what to believe anymore, then please seek some support.  Or if you are simply unsure.  You know that something isn’t quite right but you can’t quite put your finger on it.  Talk to a family member, a friend or a professional.  Talking to someone may help you to recognise that you are in a toxic relationship where the only winner is your partner.  It may help you to see that you have choices.  You are not stuck, trapped, there is another way.  It may help to empower you with the strength and resilience to take back control of your life and to act on those choices.  It just may help you to feel that you are not alone……that someone understands!

Fiona Foster  Tel:  07874 223422  fionafoster02@gmail.com

What is Mental Health?

Why do we look after and maintain our physical health but neglect our psychological health?
We visit the doctor if we have a stomach pain, we take care of our teeth, put a plaster on our skin if we cut ourselves. Yet, if we suffer psychological difficulties such as rejection, loneliness or failure we just ignore it, or tell ourselves to snap out of it, pull ourselves together.     Our physical health seems more important to us than our emotional health, yet these emotional difficulties can worsen over time and have a significant impact on our lives, if we do not address them.

Our mental health encompasses our emotional and psychological well-being and also how well we function socially. When we have positive mental health we have the ability to:

• Reach our potential
• Work creatively and productively
• Cope with the everyday stresses of daily life
• Enjoy meaningful social interactions
• Contribute fully to family and work life and also the wider community.

Statistics show that 1 in 4 of us will experience mental health problems at some point in our lives. Anxiety and depression are the most common issues and can have a debilitating effect on people’s lives. According to the ‘Mental Health Foundation’ 1 in 10 people are affected at any one time. More serious issues such as bi-polar and schizophrenia affect 1 to 2 in every 100 people.
These statistics show that undoubtedly we will all know someone who is struggling with their mental health, yet despite statistics being so high there is still stigma around mental health. Managing physical health seems to be much easier as there is generally something we can actually see. People understand it and therefore react in a more positive manner to physical illness. However, people struggling with mental health issues talk about discrimination, feeling worthless and isolated. Stigma prevents many people from seeking the help they need as they feel uncomfortable or judged. Talking about mental health, being open about it can help to break the stigma.

It is frustrating for me when clients tell me that they have seen their doctor in relation to their anxiety and are told: ‘maybe you need to accept that this is just the way it is’! This has recently happened with a client I have been working with, and not for the first time. What does this say to someone who has visited their doctor for help? This feels totally dis-empowering and makes sense of why some people feel stuck with their anxiety. They feel weighed down with the thought that ‘this is it, I am just going to have to put up with it’ and do not see the point in seeking any further help. Luckily my client decided to try counselling and a few weeks into the sessions stated that she had had a week where her anxiety was ‘zero’.

So, talking about how you feel is healthy and it does help. That isn’t to say that talking therapies are for everyone. It may be that now isn’t the right time for you, talking therapies do not feel right for you or you simply do not feel comfortable at the present time talking about your feelings. If you are unsure, it may be an idea to have an initial chat with a therapist to clarify any of your concerns.

Talking to a professional can help you:

• Understand your thoughts and how they affect you
• Make sense of past events and how they have an effect on you today
• Recognise unhelpful patterns of behaviour
• Learn how to manage anxiety and stress
• Feel empowered to make changes
• Come to terms with physical illness
• Build positive relationships

Talking can help in many different ways and it doesn’t necessarily have to be to an expert. Talking to a friend or a colleague, someone who will simply listen, can be incredibly beneficial and help you to feel that someone cares.

Reasons to volunteer

There are many reasons why someone may choose to take up volunteering. Here are just a few:

• Loneliness
• To meet new people
• To gain valuable work experience / learn new skills
• To find a new interest / hobby
• Redundancy
• Mental health issues
• Lack of routine
• To give something back to society or the community

Volunteering provides people with an opportunity to make a difference to their own life and to the lives of others. Whether you are feeling low or just looking for something new to do, becoming a volunteer can have many benefits.

Benefits of volunteering

Meeting new people, making new friends and socialising can have a profound effect on your well-being. If you are struggling with confidence, just making that initial enquiry can be the first step to re-building your self-confidence. Volunteering can provide you with a purpose, a sense of achievement and a sense of worth.
Research shows that volunteering can help to reduce stress, anxiety and even anger. Irrespective of your age or life circumstances, volunteering can help to take your mind off your worries and give you something to focus on.

Volunteering is good for your mind and your body and can help you to stay physically fit.

Learning new skills and gaining experience could be a step into paid employment. Volunteering could even lead to gaining qualifications and above all, it can be great fun.

What kind of volunteering?

There are literally hundreds of volunteering opportunities out there. The key is to do your research. Find something that you will enjoy, that meets your needs, capabilities and interests.

Things to consider:

• What causes are important to me?
• Do I want to work with animals?
• Do I want to work with people?
• Do I prefer working with children, adults or the elderly?
• Would I prefer working indoors or outdoors?
• How much time am I willing to commit?

Here, one of my client’s tells her experience of how volunteering has helped her through a difficult period in her life:

“My husband left me after 40 years together. I was devastated, and needed something to occupy me both mentally and physically to stop the possible downward spiral into depression.
I have always had an interest in the outdoors, nature, and the environment, so I enquired about the Wildlife Trust and found a local group of volunteers. It made such a difference to my mental state, to be with a group of people who also had the same interests, who accepted me into their group, without question.
I came to look forward to the “tasks” working with nature, in beautiful surroundings, so much so, that I volunteered with more groups. It gave me a purpose, something to plan for and look forward to. It provided me with company, it kept me physically fit and tired me which helped with sleep problems. I learned about nature and it made me appreciate the wonder of things around me that I had previously taken for granted. The social aspect, alongside the feeling of well-being when “giving something back” has made a huge difference to my life. It has raised my self-esteem, made me feel that I am worthwhile and helped me to empathise with others who may be starting on this journey for whatever reason. It has prompted me to look into other types of volunteering, because of the “feel good factor” it brings.”

Links:
The Prince’s Trust – https://www.princes-trust.org.uk/
Do-it – https://do-it.org/
NCVO – www.ncvo.org.uk

An Introduction to Mindfulness

Our one day introduction to mindfulness workshop introduces participants to the key principles and practices of mindfulness.  We will also be looking at how we can incorporate aspects of mindfulness into our day to day lives.

Alongside mindfulness we will explore aspects of anxiety and how mindfulness can help us to manage anxiety and stress.

This workshop is ideal for anyone interested in learning a bit more about mindfulness and managing anxiety.  It is also suitable for people interested in the 8 weeks courses but who may want a little more information before embarking on the 8 weeks.

Dates and venue to follow shortly.  Any questions please get in touch.

Fiona Foster  Tel:  07874 223422  Email:  fionafoster02@gmail.com